The In between

I have an extreme love of closure. 

1. Crossing things off my to-do list. 
2. Throwing away my syllabus at the end of the semester. 
3. Graduations. 
4. Weddings. 
5. Reading the last page of a book. 
6. Any sort of task accomplishing. 

As long as there is no bleed over or question left unanswered, I'm ok.
Clear cut lines of beginning and end make me so happy. 

This is what makes being Human so difficult. 

I will never have closure is the ares of my life that I desire to have it in most, simply because I am human. I will be forever be in between beginning and end. 

I hate that. 

RE: Summer Solistice

I told you i would update you in a month... so this is me updating and in doing so, shedding light to how the Lord has provided for me and has remained faithful (even though i am undeserving of his faithfulness).

The week after my little i-hate-the-world-melt-down a woman who has been like a mentor to me over the past year nourished my soul. Not only did the Lord use her in my life like he usually does to bring me closer to Him but he also provided that Mom that i was so desperately looking for. She just kind of decided that this was the role that she was going to fill in my life and i couldn't be more grateful.

Finances for school... I was rejected for 2 loans. I applied like i normally do through the bank i have all my student loans and i was rejected. lame. then i applied through Sallie Mae because they are like the loan sharks from hell and i was avoiding them like the plague. But i was rejected by them as well. So i was at a loss. Thinking that i was going to have to take time off from school and work to save money to finish it off (i am 1 year away from graduating). Just when i thought i was going to have to quit school my mom said she would take money out of her retirement to pay the difference of what my financial aid wouldn't pay. I had to humbly accept her joyful sacrificial assistance. It's humbling to know that my mom sacrificed her retirement in order to pay for my school. So i'll pay her back  (along with all the banks that i am indebted to due to the copious amounts of student loans i have). But the Lord provided, and He provided through my mom... showing me that she's still my mom and she does everything in her power to take care of me and for THAT i am grateful. For all of her sacrifices and all of the hardships she has endured throughout her lifetime she is good to me and does the best that she can.

So now i'm the luckiest because i have 2 moms. My mother who has provided for me to the best of her ability for 21 years and my substitute mom who has loved me like her own daughter and has shepherd me in the direction of my King.

So this post was mostly for myself. Mostly so i could have yet another record of God's faithfulness and love to His people... to me. But it's also for you :) Because i told you i would update you.

summer solstice

Do you know what a summer solstice is? I just learned today. A solstice occurs twice a year, when the sun is at its greatest distance from the celestial equator. It usually falls on June 21st in the summer. It is the one day over the entire year with the longest period of daylight. So if you haven't caught on already or grew up in a box like me, it's the longest day of the year. Pretty cool right? There is one day in the entire year where the sun is up in the sky longer than it is up any other day.

But i'm not going to give you an astronomy lesson (even though when i was a wee child i wanted to be an astronomer... bet you didn't know that). I feel like i experienced my summer solstice, but it wasn't on June 21st. I feel like i have experienced my longest day of the year. You know what i mean? One of those days where it just keeps going and you are tired and you are ready to go to bed and forget all of it and start over. One of those days where you look down at your watch (because all the cool kids wear watches) and think "oh man... it's only 3 o clock? poop." A day where the sun keeps beating down on you and its hot and you just want a break from the heat and the sweltering sun. A day where you should be running around and playing in the sun, embracing this beautiful gift but you can't. You can't because the day was hard, and now the day is long.

I'm going to break the cardinal rule of blogging right now. I'm going to let you in on a little bit of my personal life. I'm going to be a little bit vulnerable and a little bit raw. I'm going to share a little of my self with you, i might regret this tomorrow but for now i am just going to pretend like nobody actually reads this and it's going to get lost into the cyber world.

2 days ago i had my summer solstice. It was hard and it was long. My mom is my co-signer for my loans, she also lost her job last month. Besides the fact that it was hard and difficult for her emotionally and psychologically to experience a loss like that, it also makes applying for loans a little bit more complicated. But it seemed like it was working, i had to turn in a few extra papers in order to finish my application but it seemed like it was working. We were just waiting on one set of paperwork from her old company to send us before we could finish the application. It seemed like it wasn't going to work but surprisingly we were able to take care of ourselves and everything was going to be fine. I was going to finish my last year of school and pay rent and my bills and we were going to be able to survive. We were going to cut it close but we were going to do it. Independent and self-sufficient.

WRONG.

The paperwork that i needed never came in the mail. It still hasn't. We called and it's lost somewhere i guess. Cool. Here comes the solstice. The longest day of the year. I was so close to being able to take care of myself  and provide for myself and do this life thing on my own, without the help of anyone. Then the paperwork never came in the mail. It is such a simple solution and it just never showed up. The fate of my final year in school and my ability to pay rent and survive rests on this one freaking piece of paper. The stress got to me. I broke. I broke and i wanted my mom. But due to the recent stresses in her life, her emotional stability is severely jeopardized. I wanted her to comfort me and tell me that everything was going to be ok. I wanted her to take the burdens off my shoulders and make sure everything ended up just fine. I love her, i love her with all the love i can muster up, but i wanted her to be my mom.

I was in my house stressing out about the reality of not having the money to finish school or pay rent or buy food. I was stressing out about my inability to be independent. I needed to get out, so i got in my car and drove away. I wanted a java chip frappuccino from starbucks because sometimes it just comforts my weary soul. So i splurged  and allowed myself the calories. I put in a great mix cd and i cried. i cried and i cried and i cried all the way there. 

Then i let God have it. I vented all my frustration and anger and took it out all on Him. I didn't understand why it was such a simple solution and yet He wasn't allowing it. All He had to do was make the paper arrive on time in the mail. All He had to do was make the money appear. All He had to do was provide for me. I was angry because i felt like he wasn't my provider, like i couldn't depend on him. I was angry because i wanted a mom. I wanted a mom so bad and i didn't have one. I wanted a mom to tell me that everything was going to be ok, that I was going to be ok. I wanted a mom to let me vent and cry to her. I wanted a mom to let me tell her i was scared and i didn't know if it was going to work out, that all i want is to be able to finish my last year of college. I wanted a mom to understand and sit with me through the summer solstice. I wanted a mom who was emotionally stable enough to handle the worries of my heart. So then i grieved. I cried some more because i wanted that more than i wanted school, i wanted a mom more than i wanted to be able to pay rent. I felt like God neglected me. I felt like He wasn't there. I felt like He was going back on His promise to always take care of me and never forsake me. I felt like He was ignoring my cries for help. I was tired and i wanted rest. I felt like He wasn't providing for me, it's not like i'm asking for a new car or a fancy house, i was asking for enough provision to pay rent and put food on the table and maybe just maybe go to school. I was asking for what is essential for survival. So then i was mad at Him. I was mad at Him for everything. Everything that went wrong in my life i was angry with Him. I was angry that i got jipped out of the essentials like a mom and a dad. I told Him all of this. I told the God who created me how angry i was that He was failing me. Then i cried some more. 

Then the starbucks people forgot to put whipped cream on my frappuccino and i cried again. (it was a rough day). 

So now you know who much of a baby i am and how i cry like ALL the time. 

When i got home, a friend who is way too good to me came over and we rode our bikes to the park. Then she pushed me on the swings. I told her about my day and my conversation with God and how i just want a mom. She listened and she just kept pushing me on the swing as little baby tears rolled down my face. And in the midst of my swinging, i finally understood just how dependent i am on God. 

So i 'm waiting.

God hasn't forgotten about me. He's big enough to take my frustrations and He can handle it when i yell about how pissed i am that it feels like He isn't doing anything. He listens to me when i tell Him that i am doubting His ability to provide for me and that it feels like He lied when He promised to never leave me nor forsake me. He lets me get it all out and when the heavy breathing has subsided He whispers to my soul "I'm right here. I haven't forgotten about you. Depend on me. Trust me. Just wait. I have always provided for you, I always will provide for you, and I am providing for you even now... just wait." So i am waiting. 

I am waiting. I am trusting that God provides for His children. I am depending on Him. I had to be reminded that I am not self-sufficient. I had to be reminded that i am still a creature, created by my creator. I had to be reminded that my creator is good and has plans to prosper me and that ultimately my purpose on earth is not to be independent and live this really comfortable life never having to depend on God but that my ultimate purpose is to bring my Holy, Righteous, Almighty Lord and King glory. My purpose isn't to go to school exactly in 4 years or to be so financially self sufficient that i don't need anybody, not even God. My purpose is to love God and in doing so, love others, even myself. 

I apologized to God for getting pissed at him and doubting his abilities. But i think He likes that i was honest. I think He would rather have us be pissed and be honest about our pissed-ness then to fake our way through it. It's good to know that He still loves  me even when i'm pissed. It's good to know that His grace is sufficient for us and that His power is made perfect in our weaknesses. That's the beauty of the cross. His grace extends to me even when i'm pissed and i'm experiencing my summer solstice. 

So that was a long story, but i'm not a writer, i just let you in on my experiences and my processes and how God is shaping me and molding me and taking care of me and changing my view of Him to be more of what the bible says and less of what society says. I know He is good. I know He will come through, He always does. I think he likes the whole last minute thing, so i'll let you know in a month when my finances come through and i'm enrolled as a student again at Biola. Until then, i will wait. And during this time of waiting i will find joy in the Lord and bask in His grace. I still want a mom, and God is aware of that. He knows me better than i know myself, He knows that my heart longs for that. So i will wait for that too. I will be patient and know that He will provide even that for me.

So here's to waiting. Here's to the summer solstice. The one day over the year that is so long and brutal and hot and tiring that it makes you weary and it seems hopeless. Here's to remembering Gods faithfulness. God didn't forget about Israel, He surely won't forget about us. And here's to the cross, the ultimate reminder that Gods love for us is greater than we can even fathom. 

We all go through periods of waiting, sometimes it seems like they are never ending and that a resolution will never arrive. Maybe you're waiting right now. Maybe you are experiencing your summer solstice. I pray you remember that God hasn't forgotten about you, that He will provide for you. Just trust Him. He's good, i promise you He is good. But don't take my word for it :) read about it!!!!!!!! ---> The gospel according to John.

-amy

chapel make ups rock my world

Since Bradli has a REALLY difficult ever posting anything this has become the Amy Beck show (my apologies). I am really trying to get her to post something even if its crap (which it wouldn't be because anything she writes is wonderful) just something... so it doesn't look like i hog the show.


Anyways, i'm sitting here listening to the 19 chapel make ups i have to do because this semester wasn't really that crazy (meh that's debatable) i just wasn't the most motivated chapel attendee this semester. that's ok right? i'm allowed to be a little lazy right?


Mr. John Lynch spoke at a chapel and his session title is When you get tired enough and it's all about grace. Conveniently (or just by Gods perfect timing) it was EXACTLY what i needed to hear. 


Interestingly, i consider myself to be fairly competent in the understanding of grace. I feel fairly confident in my ability to articulate what grace is and explain it to anyone. 

wrong.

Apparently not because i suddenly realized the other day that in my striving for obedience i was actually trying to earn Gods love. I was trying to work hard enough to be the best ideal candidate and recipient of Gods love. I found myself actually saying "see, look at what i just did God. Isn't that so good of me? Do you love me more now? Am i good enough yet? Am i trying hard enough?"

Barf. Barf. Barf. Vomit. Diarrhea. Poop. Dirty dirty poop. Those are just a few of the words that come to my mind when reading my ACTUAL thoughts and conversations with my gracious, loving God on this little computer screen. 

It's so exhausting. It's so exhausting to constantly trying to "be good enough" for God's love. It's so exhausting to try and try and try only to feel like i'm coming up so extremely short every single time. 

If i feel like i'm constantly trying to hold onto Jesus then something is wrong. Because grace isn't me trying to hold onto Jesus. It's Jesus holding onto me. It's Jesus holding onto me. (i put that twice just in case you didn't get quite get it).

Am i tired enough? 

 yes. yes i am.

1 John 4:19 "We love because He first loved us"  

Has it sunk in yet? mmmm almost. 

 It's not me holding onto God but God holding onto me. I love God because he loved me first. God doesn't love me because i am good enough or because i loved him first. false. wrong. big fat no. that's a silly joke. No way. I love God because He first loved me. 

He first loved us.

How about now? Has it sunk in now? mmmm so close.

He first loved us.

God first loved us. He first loved me. And He first loved you. Before we loved Him. Before we knew him. Before we gave money to the poor and taught little kids how to read. Before we were justice seekers. Before we took in those who needed a home. Before we fed those who were hungry. Before we got straight A's in our really great conservative Bible school. Before we decided that we were going to spend our lives serving Him. Before we said "aye aye Captain, I will follow you. Thank you for taking the burdens of my sins on your shoulders. I will follow you." Before we were socially decent people. He loved us before all that. He loved us when we were awful. He loved us when sin was our master. He loved us when we were caught up in drugs and alcohol. He loved us when we lived for the next fix and the next party. He loved us when we hurt other people sometimes on accident and sometimes on purpose. He loved us when we drove home drunk. He loved us when we committed those crimes. He loved us when we hurt his children, his babies. He loved us when we hated him. He loved us when we wanted nothing to do with him. He loved us when we were unlovable. 

He first loved us.

How about now? Has it finally sunk in? I think so. I think it has finally sunk in. Grace isn't me first loving God so therefore i am good enough. It is God first loving me. Even before i was lovable. It is God holding me so tight that i can't run away. It is God offering me forgiveness when i will never deserve it because he loved me first. 

Ok. I'm tired enough. I'm tired enough God. 

I imagine His response is something like this:

"oh baby girl, I know. I know you are tired enough. Now just let me love you." 

It's like being loved into loving. I love because He first loved me. I love Him because He first loved me. I love others because He first loved me. 

He first loved us.

-amy

Fig leaves and bushes

Oh hey all 6 of you who actually read this (that's 2 more than last time!) we appreciate your dedication even when it's been a few weeks since we have blogged :) sometimes school takes precedence... 

Do you ever get in those spiritual dry spells where you're really physically tired and you don't have the energy to cook dinner let alone spend time in the Word? And then when you actually have some energy, you sit down, open up your Bible to where you left off from the last time you read it and decide you should probably pray or something first because isn't there supposed to be some sort of formula to how to do this? So you close your eyes, and then.... nothing... yep... you're still sitting there and now you're just sitting there with your eyes closed. And then you do the whole guilt thing because you think you're supposed to be feeling something profound or saying something profound to the Lord but all that comes out is "Dear God, I am writing this letter because Hi. So..... Ya.... " 

... Ok you caught me. I'm really talking about myself. I know i know i know i know. You're probably thinking Really?!?! That's the reason why you sat down to write something on here time after time only to shut your computer because you felt like you had nothing good or "spiritually impacting" to offer? Girl you crazy. Girl the back of yo head is ridiculous. 

Yea... there it is. Kind of silly and pathetic but we're honest right?

Don't worry, i didn't fall off the deep end :) I did learn something though, which is why i am even writing this dumb thing.

I learned about shame. Weird right? Exactly what i thought when i was learning it!

It wasn't so much not knowing HOW to come before God but WHY I wasn't coming to Him... The reason is straight outta Genesis...

I was hiding. Because i didn't want God to see all of me.

 God is omnipresent so it's not like He's not here with me in every moment of my life.  It’s not like God doesn’t know me. He does. He knows me better than I know myself, so it’s strange that I would want to hide aspects of my life from Him when He sees it all. He sees all the brokenness and sin and hurt. I think it’s shame that does that. I think that’s the feeling I have and the reason why I don’t want to be exposed before my God and King. But He created me. He knows me. And He loves me still. Weird. It’s weird that such a good and mighty and awesome God would love such a feeble, weak, and broken person like myself. It’s weird, but it’s so good and I am so thankful for His love. His unconditional love that breaks down my walls of shame and says to the inner most core of my soul,

“I know you and I love you.” 

 I am known and I am loved despite being fully known, even in my junk and luggage that I drag around so exhaustingly everywhere I go but try so desperately to hide. God sees all of it, he sees all of my baggage and he loves me anyways.

So you see, I actually can't hide from Him. I can't pull any of those tricks Adam and Eve pulled in the garden with the fig leaves and the hiding behind bushes... i try that. I really do. And He just tells me to come out. To come and be with him. He already knows what it's like... what I'm like.

He knows us and He loves us.   <-- see how big that period is. that's for the special umph.

-amy

lost little puppy dog

Cool how i was the one who knew what i was doing and Bradli was the lost little puppy dog, confused, and seeking clarity.

Now the roles are reversed.

Lame.

I have never been more terrified, unsure, petrified, confused, scared stiff (just a few adjectives to give you a better grasp on what's going on inside).

NOR have i ever felt so not prepared, ill-equipped, in-over-my-head, and unworthy.

Isn't somebody who is going into ministry supposed to have years and years and years of ministry experience?

Isn't somebody who wants to spend the rest of their life serving Jesus Christ supposed to not have thousands and thousands of dollars in student loans hanging over their neck?

Isn't somebody who wants to go into ministry supposed to come from a perfect family with a perfect life and a squeeky-clean background?

Isn't somebody who wants to go into ministry supposed to be the exact replica of Jesus: holy and righteous and basically the best person ever?

Isn't somebody who wants to go into ministry supposed to be a man?

Isn't somebody who wants to go into ministry supposed to be somebody else, anybody else, but me?

 .... Maybe.... But maybe not.

                                              Maybe God is bigger then the box we (I) put Him in.

Maybe He really does use the weak and the fragile and the unworthy and the ill-equipped and the unprepared and the imperfect and the broken and the used and the messed up.

Maybe He makes us strong, robust, and worthy. Maybe He equips us and prepares us. Maybe He perfects us and heals us. Maybe He makes us new and pure and clean.

Cool thing is: 

                    All those "MAYBE'S" are actually truths. They are cold hard beautiful facts.

So I will find my rest in the Lord. I will find my confidence in the One who made me. I will place my future on the calling He has placed on my life... Even if that calling is only a simple Come, follow Me. 

But am i really willing to follow Him?

                                                   

                                                            Or will i run scared?

Will i wander like a lost little puppy dog?


*food for thought :)
-amy

I'm actually a terrible person

yep. i said it. you probably don't think so though because i generally make friends with nice people (meh...) who would NEVER tell me i'm a terrible person. 

Reality check please.

I could give you lists and lists and lists of all my negative characteristics. Don't worry, i won't, i know just as much as you do that nobody wants to hear that (errr i mean read that?).

And instead of telling you all the reasons why i'm a total beezy sometimes and how sometimes i'm like really rude... like REALLY rude. i'm sure some of you can attest to that (ok so there's only 4 people that follow this blog so out of the 4 of you, i'm sure at least 1 of you can attest to that... maybe not... ok well then just trust me on this one). 

Instead of telling you why i suck i'll just tell you about 3 men who don't suck. 

Have you ever read Daniel chapter 3? you know... the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego? Come on, you gotta know this one. They get thrown into the furnace because King Nebuchadnezzar is a total jerk and wanted everyone to worship gold and they were like "oh hell no." and he was like "fine.. .burn in this fire suckers." and then God swoops in and sends a cool little angel to protect them from the fire and at the end of the story everyone ends up not worshiping the gold image but ends up worshiping God. remember that story? Of course you remember, they taught it to you in sunday school like a million times. Unless you are like me and grew up not going to sunday school, then this story is new... in that case. hooray! now you know the abridged version! now go read it for yourself!

SMB (these dudes got the short end of the stick when it came to name picking times... their mamas hated them or something... SMB is my abbreviation for their ridiculously hard to spell names). Anyways, SMB were some really legit men that for some reason NOBODY talks about. When king Nebby was forcing everybody to worship a false idol made of gold whenever the sound of harps and flutes and lyres and horns and pipes and whatever other biblical musical instrument you could think of played. These men wouldn't do it. They knew who they served and they knew that they served the Lord God of Israel, not some flimsy piece of gold that was created by their God. And when king Nebby got so pissed at them for not bowing down to his idols he said to them "HEY!!!!! do what i say or you will burn." and their reply (brace yourself... it's good):

" O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up" (vs. 16-17). 

Do you see the immense faith that they had in God? They knew without a doubt that their God is able to save them from the blazing furnace. They knew that their God was more than able to protect them and defend them and save them from a horrible suffering. They also knew that he can choose NOT to save them. He can choose not to spare them from the suffering of burning in the furnace and dropping dead. And with the knowledge, they still weren't going to worship false idols. They still weren't going to serve gods made from the hands of man. They would only serve their God. Even if it meant death and suffering. 

I would like to think that when placed in a sucky situation like that, i would have the faith to say what SMB said. 

I think it's fair to say that i have been through kind of alot (if you know me, great. if not, eh well i got some junk... hello, we ALL do). And often times i sit down and think:

 God, why? How am i supposed to serve You when i'm a facing a blazing furnace? You  are capable of saving me. You are capable of sparing me from this suckfest. I really hope you choose to do that. 

But, often times, i don't think this last part:

But, you are God and i'm not. You are the one that chooses whether or not i get to be saved from this furnace.You can actually choose to NOT save me from this. 

And i REALLY don't ever think this last part:

Even if you choose not to save me from this fire, i will still serve You and worship ONLY you.

Are you convicted yet? I am. 

But that's not what i'm trying to do. i'm not trying to convict anyone. I just need to be reminded that God is good. Even in the fire. Even in the burning furnace that i am about to be thrown into, He is good. His character is unchanging. cool huh? no matter what happens, God will always be good. No matter what. End of story.

So while i face my storms and my fires and my furnaces, i will stand before my king Nebbys and say to them "i know you want me to give in. I know you want me to give up and bow down to your stupid idols. I know i'm going to get thrown into that fire and burn to death... But my God can save me. My God can do it and i have full confidence in Him. And you know what, He might even choose not save me because that might bring him more glory... and that's ok... i will still serve Him because He is Lord."

....He might choose not to save me from the fire. those are rough words to swallow. they go down REALLY pokey and sharp like glass and shrapnel (i always thought that word was so funny). 

gah! my own medicine is so rough! the Bible is so rough!

ok... i've taken a break from hw long enough now. poop. sometimes i think my academic career is a joke.. but that's a different post for a different day. today, i just have to sit with the truth in Daniel 3

-amy (because bradli NEVER signs her name).

Stop. Rewind. Lets try that again.

God, show me your plans for me.



                  No, that doesn't seem right.

Lord, what would you like me to do?

                  hmmm, no.

Lord, what ever you want me to do.
                  Biblical.

2 Timothy 2:21


 ²⁰ In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some are for special purposes and some for common use. ²¹ Those who cleanse themselves from the latter will be instruments for special purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work. ²² Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

My desire is to be a vessel.
To undergo the painful process of being clay in the hands a Holy potter (I know, I know, it sounds like Harry Potter), so that I might be presented before the King as a jar of clay, a vessel in which His spirit dwells. A vessel that has been made holy and who is pleasing to the master.
A vessel that can be used for ANY good work.

Stop.
Do you see that word? Any.

An-y
[en-nee]
-adjective
A three letter word with huge implications.

Table for ONE.

I never have any answers.

Questions, yes. Answers, no.

Being an introvert allows me the opportunity to be alone and truly enjoy it. In fact, I enjoy it so much that sometimes I crave it. Being around people is exhausting, both physically and emotionally. I need alone time in order to refuel and recharge and feel sane.

Lately however, I have been challenged with the idea that my affinity to be alone is more sinful than holy. It seems that every class, sermon, or conversation I'm involved with is brought back to the conclusion that "we are relational beings, made for community" and that "the trinity in and of itself has perfect companionship, meaning that we are too are meant for relationships."

Cool.......now come the questions that have no answers.
What if I experience God most intimately in my times of Solitude? What then is the point of pursuing people?
Can the discipline of solitude be abused? In other words, is there such a thing as too much alone time?
Why would God create in me the desire to live a life of just He and I if companionship was such a big deal?
Can one decide to live single for the Lord, or do they have to be called to it?
How do you know if you have the gift of singleness?
How does one live a life solo AND satisfied?
Are these two mutually exclusive?

Perhaps the worst question to face:
"What is my motivation for desiring solitude?"
                    Is it for Holiness or am I'm running scared?

My biggest question however, is this- Why doesn't the church ever talk about being single? Is it that scary to think about living without a partner that people don't even want to talk about it as a possibility?

Answers. Thats all I want. To know the direction in which my life is headed would be nice. That way I could adequately prepare. 

For now I say, if its good enough for Paul, it's good enough for me.

1 Cor 7:7
I wish that all of you were as i am. But each of you have your own gift from God; one has this gift, another as that.

Mothers day

Today is Mothers day.

This morning i went to church and i went stag this time. I got there a little early because i wasn't my wearing my cool new watch so i didn't really know how i was doing time-wise. I sit down with an entire row to myself. More people file in and this super cute couple walks in. They looked older than my mom and younger than my grandmother so i am guessing they were in their 60's. With the rows and rows to choose from they choose the row that i'm sitting in. And the woman is dressed in super cute trendy old lady clothes that totally flatter her and make it known that she has some serious class. So i politely smile at them as they make their way towards me, expecting them to sit near me but leaving a few seats between me and them... nope. She plops down RIGHT next to me. She totally did not follow the social norms of leaving the obligatory empty seat between you and the next person in church. I giggled to myself because i was aware of the norms she was breaking and aware of how slightly uncomfortable it made me and yet i secretly liked it. She took off her trendy little purple cardigan and looked at me, grabbed my hands and said "happy mothers day!.... i don't think that applies to you but happy mothers day anyways..." I smirked at her and laughed a little and told her she was correct that i am not a mother but that i do HAVE a mother. She asked where my mother was and i told her she was in Sacramento (it's too hard to explain the ho-dunk town my mom lives in so sacramento is just easier). We are still holding hands (older women LOVE to hold hands i have noticed) and i ask her about her mothers days plans and she starts talking up a storm about how her children who go to a different church are taking her to lunch blah blah blah blah. Her husband is sitting really manly like not saying a word just flipping through the bulletin while me and Anne (her name was Anne) become BFF's. The service begins with some music and i soon learn that Anne is probably the loudest woman in the church. I mean this chick can sure belt those notes. And i would not be surprised at all if in her younger years she was an opera singer because every single note had that really high pitched vibrating sound that opera singers do. I knew we were destined to be friends after that (she's loud and obnoxious, i'm loud and obnoxious... it's like we're meant to be).

Music is over and the announcement guy gets up and prays and while he does that i notice that Anne's super masculine-tough-and-rough husband discretely and gently reaches over and grabs her hand to hold it as if to let her know and only her (and maybe me because i'm being a creeper and watching them) that he loves her and that together they are embarking on this journey with God. I almost starting crying right then and there. HOW PRECIOUS. i'm sucker for cute older people.

Then i got my soul destroyed in the best possible way by the Word and some serious preaching. And after church is over i collect my things that are strewn over the floor and look over at Anne and wish her a lovely mothers day with her family and she grabs my hand with one of her hands (see what i mean about the hand holding thing?) and puts her other arm around me and starts telling me how glad she is to have sat next to me and then her forehead gets suuuper close to mine so we are now forehead to forehead (like our minds are connecting or something) and she explains how she just wants me to come to lunch with her and her family but we both know that while she does mean it, it's not REALLY going to happen. And then while our foreheads are still touching (not weird at all by this point) we realize that we both got what we wanted. I wanted a mom to sit next to in church and she wanted a daughter to hold hands with. So then i said my goodbyes to Anne and Jim (that's her super-manly-man husband) and got in my car and called my mom to wish her a happy mothers day.

I didn't NEED Anne. I didn't NEED for her to sit next to me and take me under her wing for that hour and a half and for her to decide that I was to be apart of the family, HER family. I would have been completely fine going to church and worshiping the Lord with all of my joy and offering. But God gave me a little gift. He gave me what i WANTED... not necessarily what i NEEDED.

He took delight in me and said in a feint whisper to my heart, "hey baby girl, here is a mom for a few hours... i know you think you are fine without your real mom there to give you a hug and tell you are beautiful and lovely and good but I know you. i know you. I know what your little heart wants even though you're too afraid to actually tell me. I already know it."

Ok. Thanks God. Thanks for not only Loving me but also Liking me.

I forget that... alot. I forget that God actually likes me. I forget that even though i do dumb things and say dumb things and cause the Holy Spirit to grieve for my sins and blatantly disobey the One who gave me life and turn my back on the One who will never turn His back on me, that He loves me anyways. He loves me despite my failings. He loves me despite the wretchedness i can't avoid. He loves me even though sometimes i get pissed at Him and question His motives. He loves me even though I try to be self-dependent and trick myself into thinking i can do this life on my own, without His help. He loves me when i come crawling back every single time... I don't deserve it, i never do. That's the beautiful thing about all of this. I will never deserve His love. I will never deserve His gifts and His blessings.

So i accept them. I accept them knowing that God is in-freaking-credible and that His grace is more than i can even fathom. This little fire cracker named Anne is a perfect example of this. She was my gift this morning. This morning God saw me and He saw what i really wanted and in His grace He gave me Anne.

My prayer for you today (whoever you are, obviously you're cool if you're reading this blog) my prayer for you is that you would experience Gods gift of grace... or His graceful gifts :)  I pray that you would remember that God not only LOVES you but he likes you too. He likes you a whole lot.

-Ames

Happy Hour at Starbucks

I can't figure out how to change the www address of the blog (i like to pretend i'm not technologically inept) so for now it remains "bradlianne.blogspot.com" haha awesome.

Starbucks is having half off frappachinos May 6-11 or something like that so naturally i decided it would be a great day to blog with my super cheap crack in a cup... i mean Starbucks frappachino. So here i am, without headphones because i have the memory of an 80 year old  and can't find them. So now i get to listen to the pitter patter and banter of the other no-name-wanna-be-cool-blogger-people while i type.

Yesterday in one of my favorite classes we were talking about pornography, the effects of it, some psychological causes for the addiction of it, etc. I know, shocking right? Talking about pornography in CLASS at a Christian college. Who would have thought? (I'll save that sarcastic rant for another day).

Anyways, the topic somehow got skewed and twisted and distorted when the professor opened up the floor to us as students and everyone was asking questions (most of which were relevant to the topic) and then all of a sudden the next comment that was made began something like "AND ANOTHER THING I HATE ABOUT THE CHURCH IS...."

As soon as this student began the sentence this way i just about pooped my pants right there. Literally, i was waiting for the turd to shake out of the bottom of my pants. No joke... ok, maybe a little joke.

I immediately stood up in the middle of this girls genuinely honest complaint about how sucky the church is and told her to shut up, bend over, and pull that stick out of her butt and then take a good nice long look in the mirror.... I didn't say that. I just wanted to sound bamfy for a second. Instead i sat there with the same blank stare i always have when i am in class.

But I did take offense to her statement. I sat there not saying anything because sometimes i'm a little scardy-cat, but inside i was highly offended. And i know any conversation regarding the church is going to be messy and complicated and everyone has an opinion about it but let's step aside from that for a second. Let's step outside of the christianese bubble we surround ourselves in and take a look at what those statements actually mean...

WE. ARE. THE. CHURCH. As the body of Christ, as believers, as individuals who have been saved from our selves and our sins by Jesus who DIED for us in order that we may be reconciled to God and have confessed with our mouths and believed with our hearts that Jesus is Lord and forgives us our sins and saves us from our iniquities by pure grace... WE... the broken, wretched people who don't deserve this gift of life... ARE... holy, and righteous, and blameless before God... THE CHURCH.... the body of Christ, the hands and feet of Jesus.

So, i'm offended by this statement (not in a "i hate you" legitimately pissed way... but in a gentle "ah...that's unfortunate" way) because i am apart of that church she hates. Me and You and You and Her and Him and Her and You and that guy in class with the funky Jesus tattoo on his neck, WE make up the church. And i don't know if you are anything like me, but because you are a human i am going to venture that you are, we're pretty messed up. We got a lot of junk and crap that we lug around. We have wounds and hurts and pains and things that happened to us that shouldn't have. We have huge insecurities and struggles and addictions. We have bags and bags and bags that we carry around every where we go full of poop. Poop that we did and poop that others did to us. We have broken pieces and missing pieces. We make some really awful situations and we pretty much just suck all around. You get the picture i'm trying to paint? These are the people that make up the church. I'd hate the church too if this was all we got from it. The thing is, these broken people make up the body of Christ and so yes, there are things that suck. Yes, there are things that people do that harm others within the church. Yes, there are things that we could be doing better at. But we are not perfect. The church is not perfect. She has blemishes and faults and cracks and weird scars. She's not really pretty when you first look at her. In fact from our perspective she is pretty freaking ugly. And sometimes she is a total beezy. But no matter how grotesque she is, God loves her. God loves her sooooo much. The church is like God's freaking beautiful bride whom He is so stoked about. Even when we suck and we aren't doing our part, He still loves us and thinks so highly of us, in fact He delights in us. God finds favor in us. crazy right?!?!? In me? God finds favor in me? In my messed up life and my runny nose and sporadically horrible skin, he thinks i'm beautiful. So cool. But i just make up one person of the church. But God feels this way about ALL His children... about his church.

ALSO, when you diss the church you are dissing Jesus. You are basically saying "hey Jesus, thanks for dying for me but it's just not good enough." The only reason we get to have this super tight relationships with God is because of Jesus. The ONLY reason we get to stand before God and bask in His glory is because of Jesus. Because God loved us so much that He sent His Son to come down and dwell among us and be the ultimate sacrifice for our sins, our suckfest of a human nature. It is through His death and resurrection that we are saved. When we diss the church it makes that ultimate sacrifice not good enough. Jesus was enough! He was and is enough!

Please, pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease. you wouldn't stand in the mirror and tell yourself you hate yourself!!!! even if you would do that, that's really dumb because we are made in the image God so by that very definition we have worth and value and should be treated with respect and kindness (even from ourselves). But for reals, at the end of the day all i'm trying to say which i don't even know if its getting across because i rant like a 65 year old Italian man who had a few extra cups of brandy (haha sorry Nonno). ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY is that we as christians are the church and God loves us and God loves the church and we know that God loves us because He cared enough about us to save us. So don't diminish the cross. Don't take away the power of what Jesus did. Let us rejoice and praise the One who has saved us. After all, we are redeemed and we are shall be called saught after (that one was for you brad).

In the words of a wise wise soul, "don't hate, appreciate." This sucker got it right. Don't hate the church, appreciate it. Lets appreciate God and His incredible goodness. The church is made up of a bunch of broken sinners but we should still love it, just as God has loves us.

ok, i'm done. i promise next time won't be as long and lengthy :)

-amy (i guess i should sign it? so you know who wrote it... me or bradli... eh we'll see ...)

BTW

My roommate, remember her? She's cool.
Her name is Amy and she will be co-authoring this blog with me.
Get to know her.

And You Shall Be Called "Sought After"

Isaiah 62:12
"They will be called the Holy People,

the Redeemed of the Lord;

and you will be called Sought After,

the City No Longer Deserted."

Inspiration can come when you least expect it. http://www.theveryworstmissionary.com/
Check it out.

My roommate and I were lying in our beds, on our computers, her, readingblogsandgiggling, me, fallingasleeptoGilmoreGirls. When I asked her what she was laughing about, she read to me from her latest favorite blog "Jamie, The Very Worst Missionary." I was hooked.
Jamie is a missionary in Costa Rica, and she is my inspiration for this blog. She is honest, raw, and unafraid. She does not hold back.......and I like it. I want to be the same way. Unabashed, courageous, and willing to share how screwed up (read: redeemed) I am with the world.  

I am no theologian, or scholar. I am not someone who has profound things to say or insights into things you may never have thought of. I have nothing new to offer you. All that I have, is the new name God has given me: Redeemed. 

I am a city no longer deserted. I am a people called "Holy" and "Sought After."