Anyways, i'm sitting here listening to the 19 chapel make ups i have to do because this semester wasn't really that crazy (meh that's debatable) i just wasn't the most motivated chapel attendee this semester. that's ok right? i'm allowed to be a little lazy right?
Mr. John Lynch spoke at a chapel and his session title is When you get tired enough and it's all about grace. Conveniently (or just by Gods perfect timing) it was EXACTLY what i needed to hear.
Interestingly, i consider myself to be fairly competent in the understanding of grace. I feel fairly confident in my ability to articulate what grace is and explain it to anyone.
wrong.
Apparently not because i suddenly realized the other day that in my striving for obedience i was actually trying to earn Gods love. I was trying to work hard enough to be the best ideal candidate and recipient of Gods love. I found myself actually saying "see, look at what i just did God. Isn't that so good of me? Do you love me more now? Am i good enough yet? Am i trying hard enough?"
Barf. Barf. Barf. Vomit. Diarrhea. Poop. Dirty dirty poop. Those are just a few of the words that come to my mind when reading my ACTUAL thoughts and conversations with my gracious, loving God on this little computer screen.
It's so exhausting. It's so exhausting to constantly trying to "be good enough" for God's love. It's so exhausting to try and try and try only to feel like i'm coming up so extremely short every single time.
If i feel like i'm constantly trying to hold onto Jesus then something is wrong. Because grace isn't me trying to hold onto Jesus. It's Jesus holding onto me. It's Jesus holding onto me. (i put that twice just in case you didn't get quite get it).
Am i tired enough?
yes. yes i am.
1 John 4:19 "We love because He first loved us"
Has it sunk in yet? mmmm almost.
It's not me holding onto God but God holding onto me. I love God because he loved me first. God doesn't love me because i am good enough or because i loved him first. false. wrong. big fat no. that's a silly joke. No way. I love God because He first loved me.
He first loved us.
How about now? Has it sunk in now? mmmm so close.
He first loved us.
God first loved us. He first loved me. And He first loved you. Before we loved Him. Before we knew him. Before we gave money to the poor and taught little kids how to read. Before we were justice seekers. Before we took in those who needed a home. Before we fed those who were hungry. Before we got straight A's in our really great conservative Bible school. Before we decided that we were going to spend our lives serving Him. Before we said "aye aye Captain, I will follow you. Thank you for taking the burdens of my sins on your shoulders. I will follow you." Before we were socially decent people. He loved us before all that. He loved us when we were awful. He loved us when sin was our master. He loved us when we were caught up in drugs and alcohol. He loved us when we lived for the next fix and the next party. He loved us when we hurt other people sometimes on accident and sometimes on purpose. He loved us when we drove home drunk. He loved us when we committed those crimes. He loved us when we hurt his children, his babies. He loved us when we hated him. He loved us when we wanted nothing to do with him. He loved us when we were unlovable.
He first loved us.
How about now? Has it finally sunk in? I think so. I think it has finally sunk in. Grace isn't me first loving God so therefore i am good enough. It is God first loving me. Even before i was lovable. It is God holding me so tight that i can't run away. It is God offering me forgiveness when i will never deserve it because he loved me first.
Ok. I'm tired enough. I'm tired enough God.
I imagine His response is something like this:
"oh baby girl, I know. I know you are tired enough. Now just let me love you."
It's like being loved into loving. I love because He first loved me. I love Him because He first loved me. I love others because He first loved me.
He first loved us.
-amy
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