summer solstice

Do you know what a summer solstice is? I just learned today. A solstice occurs twice a year, when the sun is at its greatest distance from the celestial equator. It usually falls on June 21st in the summer. It is the one day over the entire year with the longest period of daylight. So if you haven't caught on already or grew up in a box like me, it's the longest day of the year. Pretty cool right? There is one day in the entire year where the sun is up in the sky longer than it is up any other day.

But i'm not going to give you an astronomy lesson (even though when i was a wee child i wanted to be an astronomer... bet you didn't know that). I feel like i experienced my summer solstice, but it wasn't on June 21st. I feel like i have experienced my longest day of the year. You know what i mean? One of those days where it just keeps going and you are tired and you are ready to go to bed and forget all of it and start over. One of those days where you look down at your watch (because all the cool kids wear watches) and think "oh man... it's only 3 o clock? poop." A day where the sun keeps beating down on you and its hot and you just want a break from the heat and the sweltering sun. A day where you should be running around and playing in the sun, embracing this beautiful gift but you can't. You can't because the day was hard, and now the day is long.

I'm going to break the cardinal rule of blogging right now. I'm going to let you in on a little bit of my personal life. I'm going to be a little bit vulnerable and a little bit raw. I'm going to share a little of my self with you, i might regret this tomorrow but for now i am just going to pretend like nobody actually reads this and it's going to get lost into the cyber world.

2 days ago i had my summer solstice. It was hard and it was long. My mom is my co-signer for my loans, she also lost her job last month. Besides the fact that it was hard and difficult for her emotionally and psychologically to experience a loss like that, it also makes applying for loans a little bit more complicated. But it seemed like it was working, i had to turn in a few extra papers in order to finish my application but it seemed like it was working. We were just waiting on one set of paperwork from her old company to send us before we could finish the application. It seemed like it wasn't going to work but surprisingly we were able to take care of ourselves and everything was going to be fine. I was going to finish my last year of school and pay rent and my bills and we were going to be able to survive. We were going to cut it close but we were going to do it. Independent and self-sufficient.

WRONG.

The paperwork that i needed never came in the mail. It still hasn't. We called and it's lost somewhere i guess. Cool. Here comes the solstice. The longest day of the year. I was so close to being able to take care of myself  and provide for myself and do this life thing on my own, without the help of anyone. Then the paperwork never came in the mail. It is such a simple solution and it just never showed up. The fate of my final year in school and my ability to pay rent and survive rests on this one freaking piece of paper. The stress got to me. I broke. I broke and i wanted my mom. But due to the recent stresses in her life, her emotional stability is severely jeopardized. I wanted her to comfort me and tell me that everything was going to be ok. I wanted her to take the burdens off my shoulders and make sure everything ended up just fine. I love her, i love her with all the love i can muster up, but i wanted her to be my mom.

I was in my house stressing out about the reality of not having the money to finish school or pay rent or buy food. I was stressing out about my inability to be independent. I needed to get out, so i got in my car and drove away. I wanted a java chip frappuccino from starbucks because sometimes it just comforts my weary soul. So i splurged  and allowed myself the calories. I put in a great mix cd and i cried. i cried and i cried and i cried all the way there. 

Then i let God have it. I vented all my frustration and anger and took it out all on Him. I didn't understand why it was such a simple solution and yet He wasn't allowing it. All He had to do was make the paper arrive on time in the mail. All He had to do was make the money appear. All He had to do was provide for me. I was angry because i felt like he wasn't my provider, like i couldn't depend on him. I was angry because i wanted a mom. I wanted a mom so bad and i didn't have one. I wanted a mom to tell me that everything was going to be ok, that I was going to be ok. I wanted a mom to let me vent and cry to her. I wanted a mom to let me tell her i was scared and i didn't know if it was going to work out, that all i want is to be able to finish my last year of college. I wanted a mom to understand and sit with me through the summer solstice. I wanted a mom who was emotionally stable enough to handle the worries of my heart. So then i grieved. I cried some more because i wanted that more than i wanted school, i wanted a mom more than i wanted to be able to pay rent. I felt like God neglected me. I felt like He wasn't there. I felt like He was going back on His promise to always take care of me and never forsake me. I felt like He was ignoring my cries for help. I was tired and i wanted rest. I felt like He wasn't providing for me, it's not like i'm asking for a new car or a fancy house, i was asking for enough provision to pay rent and put food on the table and maybe just maybe go to school. I was asking for what is essential for survival. So then i was mad at Him. I was mad at Him for everything. Everything that went wrong in my life i was angry with Him. I was angry that i got jipped out of the essentials like a mom and a dad. I told Him all of this. I told the God who created me how angry i was that He was failing me. Then i cried some more. 

Then the starbucks people forgot to put whipped cream on my frappuccino and i cried again. (it was a rough day). 

So now you know who much of a baby i am and how i cry like ALL the time. 

When i got home, a friend who is way too good to me came over and we rode our bikes to the park. Then she pushed me on the swings. I told her about my day and my conversation with God and how i just want a mom. She listened and she just kept pushing me on the swing as little baby tears rolled down my face. And in the midst of my swinging, i finally understood just how dependent i am on God. 

So i 'm waiting.

God hasn't forgotten about me. He's big enough to take my frustrations and He can handle it when i yell about how pissed i am that it feels like He isn't doing anything. He listens to me when i tell Him that i am doubting His ability to provide for me and that it feels like He lied when He promised to never leave me nor forsake me. He lets me get it all out and when the heavy breathing has subsided He whispers to my soul "I'm right here. I haven't forgotten about you. Depend on me. Trust me. Just wait. I have always provided for you, I always will provide for you, and I am providing for you even now... just wait." So i am waiting. 

I am waiting. I am trusting that God provides for His children. I am depending on Him. I had to be reminded that I am not self-sufficient. I had to be reminded that i am still a creature, created by my creator. I had to be reminded that my creator is good and has plans to prosper me and that ultimately my purpose on earth is not to be independent and live this really comfortable life never having to depend on God but that my ultimate purpose is to bring my Holy, Righteous, Almighty Lord and King glory. My purpose isn't to go to school exactly in 4 years or to be so financially self sufficient that i don't need anybody, not even God. My purpose is to love God and in doing so, love others, even myself. 

I apologized to God for getting pissed at him and doubting his abilities. But i think He likes that i was honest. I think He would rather have us be pissed and be honest about our pissed-ness then to fake our way through it. It's good to know that He still loves  me even when i'm pissed. It's good to know that His grace is sufficient for us and that His power is made perfect in our weaknesses. That's the beauty of the cross. His grace extends to me even when i'm pissed and i'm experiencing my summer solstice. 

So that was a long story, but i'm not a writer, i just let you in on my experiences and my processes and how God is shaping me and molding me and taking care of me and changing my view of Him to be more of what the bible says and less of what society says. I know He is good. I know He will come through, He always does. I think he likes the whole last minute thing, so i'll let you know in a month when my finances come through and i'm enrolled as a student again at Biola. Until then, i will wait. And during this time of waiting i will find joy in the Lord and bask in His grace. I still want a mom, and God is aware of that. He knows me better than i know myself, He knows that my heart longs for that. So i will wait for that too. I will be patient and know that He will provide even that for me.

So here's to waiting. Here's to the summer solstice. The one day over the year that is so long and brutal and hot and tiring that it makes you weary and it seems hopeless. Here's to remembering Gods faithfulness. God didn't forget about Israel, He surely won't forget about us. And here's to the cross, the ultimate reminder that Gods love for us is greater than we can even fathom. 

We all go through periods of waiting, sometimes it seems like they are never ending and that a resolution will never arrive. Maybe you're waiting right now. Maybe you are experiencing your summer solstice. I pray you remember that God hasn't forgotten about you, that He will provide for you. Just trust Him. He's good, i promise you He is good. But don't take my word for it :) read about it!!!!!!!! ---> The gospel according to John.

-amy