Help.

‎"God is attracted to weakness. He can't resist those who humbly and honestly admit how desperately they need him. Our weakness, in fact, makes room for His power." Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire by Jim Cymbala.

What if our greatest weakness is our pride? How do you admit you are too stubborn and believe too highly in your own self sufficiency for true humility to be possible?

Warning: Sometimes blogposts are completely selfish

Jesus.

One name that provokes so much.
While some role their eyes, others weep with joy, others turn to hide in shame at the mention of His name.

We have become experts of avoiding its use.
"Dear God.....Amen." "Please, Lord....Amen." "How is your relationship with the Lord?" "Yes, I believe in God." "HE is so faithful." "I just put my trust in HIM."
While all of these may be theologically correct, they are completely unsatisfying to my soul.

JESUS! I have to keep from shouting His name at people while they talk. Sometimes i cheer them on in my head while they speak of spiritual things, "say it. come ooooon. what are you afraid of? say his name.....Jesus! Just use it!"
And don't expect anything less then tension and discomfort if you dare use His name in everyday conversation, or when talking about the hard non-spiritual things of life (an extreme oxymoron if you ask me).

Jesus is not just a symbolic figure. He was flesh and bone and his name is precious, powerful, and dear to those who know him. Use it often, appropriately, and with an understanding of its power and the extreme privilege it is to even know it.

Jesus. (one more for good measure).

The In between

I have an extreme love of closure. 

1. Crossing things off my to-do list. 
2. Throwing away my syllabus at the end of the semester. 
3. Graduations. 
4. Weddings. 
5. Reading the last page of a book. 
6. Any sort of task accomplishing. 

As long as there is no bleed over or question left unanswered, I'm ok.
Clear cut lines of beginning and end make me so happy. 

This is what makes being Human so difficult. 

I will never have closure is the ares of my life that I desire to have it in most, simply because I am human. I will be forever be in between beginning and end. 

I hate that. 

RE: Summer Solistice

I told you i would update you in a month... so this is me updating and in doing so, shedding light to how the Lord has provided for me and has remained faithful (even though i am undeserving of his faithfulness).

The week after my little i-hate-the-world-melt-down a woman who has been like a mentor to me over the past year nourished my soul. Not only did the Lord use her in my life like he usually does to bring me closer to Him but he also provided that Mom that i was so desperately looking for. She just kind of decided that this was the role that she was going to fill in my life and i couldn't be more grateful.

Finances for school... I was rejected for 2 loans. I applied like i normally do through the bank i have all my student loans and i was rejected. lame. then i applied through Sallie Mae because they are like the loan sharks from hell and i was avoiding them like the plague. But i was rejected by them as well. So i was at a loss. Thinking that i was going to have to take time off from school and work to save money to finish it off (i am 1 year away from graduating). Just when i thought i was going to have to quit school my mom said she would take money out of her retirement to pay the difference of what my financial aid wouldn't pay. I had to humbly accept her joyful sacrificial assistance. It's humbling to know that my mom sacrificed her retirement in order to pay for my school. So i'll pay her back  (along with all the banks that i am indebted to due to the copious amounts of student loans i have). But the Lord provided, and He provided through my mom... showing me that she's still my mom and she does everything in her power to take care of me and for THAT i am grateful. For all of her sacrifices and all of the hardships she has endured throughout her lifetime she is good to me and does the best that she can.

So now i'm the luckiest because i have 2 moms. My mother who has provided for me to the best of her ability for 21 years and my substitute mom who has loved me like her own daughter and has shepherd me in the direction of my King.

So this post was mostly for myself. Mostly so i could have yet another record of God's faithfulness and love to His people... to me. But it's also for you :) Because i told you i would update you.

summer solstice

Do you know what a summer solstice is? I just learned today. A solstice occurs twice a year, when the sun is at its greatest distance from the celestial equator. It usually falls on June 21st in the summer. It is the one day over the entire year with the longest period of daylight. So if you haven't caught on already or grew up in a box like me, it's the longest day of the year. Pretty cool right? There is one day in the entire year where the sun is up in the sky longer than it is up any other day.

But i'm not going to give you an astronomy lesson (even though when i was a wee child i wanted to be an astronomer... bet you didn't know that). I feel like i experienced my summer solstice, but it wasn't on June 21st. I feel like i have experienced my longest day of the year. You know what i mean? One of those days where it just keeps going and you are tired and you are ready to go to bed and forget all of it and start over. One of those days where you look down at your watch (because all the cool kids wear watches) and think "oh man... it's only 3 o clock? poop." A day where the sun keeps beating down on you and its hot and you just want a break from the heat and the sweltering sun. A day where you should be running around and playing in the sun, embracing this beautiful gift but you can't. You can't because the day was hard, and now the day is long.

I'm going to break the cardinal rule of blogging right now. I'm going to let you in on a little bit of my personal life. I'm going to be a little bit vulnerable and a little bit raw. I'm going to share a little of my self with you, i might regret this tomorrow but for now i am just going to pretend like nobody actually reads this and it's going to get lost into the cyber world.

2 days ago i had my summer solstice. It was hard and it was long. My mom is my co-signer for my loans, she also lost her job last month. Besides the fact that it was hard and difficult for her emotionally and psychologically to experience a loss like that, it also makes applying for loans a little bit more complicated. But it seemed like it was working, i had to turn in a few extra papers in order to finish my application but it seemed like it was working. We were just waiting on one set of paperwork from her old company to send us before we could finish the application. It seemed like it wasn't going to work but surprisingly we were able to take care of ourselves and everything was going to be fine. I was going to finish my last year of school and pay rent and my bills and we were going to be able to survive. We were going to cut it close but we were going to do it. Independent and self-sufficient.

WRONG.

The paperwork that i needed never came in the mail. It still hasn't. We called and it's lost somewhere i guess. Cool. Here comes the solstice. The longest day of the year. I was so close to being able to take care of myself  and provide for myself and do this life thing on my own, without the help of anyone. Then the paperwork never came in the mail. It is such a simple solution and it just never showed up. The fate of my final year in school and my ability to pay rent and survive rests on this one freaking piece of paper. The stress got to me. I broke. I broke and i wanted my mom. But due to the recent stresses in her life, her emotional stability is severely jeopardized. I wanted her to comfort me and tell me that everything was going to be ok. I wanted her to take the burdens off my shoulders and make sure everything ended up just fine. I love her, i love her with all the love i can muster up, but i wanted her to be my mom.

I was in my house stressing out about the reality of not having the money to finish school or pay rent or buy food. I was stressing out about my inability to be independent. I needed to get out, so i got in my car and drove away. I wanted a java chip frappuccino from starbucks because sometimes it just comforts my weary soul. So i splurged  and allowed myself the calories. I put in a great mix cd and i cried. i cried and i cried and i cried all the way there. 

Then i let God have it. I vented all my frustration and anger and took it out all on Him. I didn't understand why it was such a simple solution and yet He wasn't allowing it. All He had to do was make the paper arrive on time in the mail. All He had to do was make the money appear. All He had to do was provide for me. I was angry because i felt like he wasn't my provider, like i couldn't depend on him. I was angry because i wanted a mom. I wanted a mom so bad and i didn't have one. I wanted a mom to tell me that everything was going to be ok, that I was going to be ok. I wanted a mom to let me vent and cry to her. I wanted a mom to let me tell her i was scared and i didn't know if it was going to work out, that all i want is to be able to finish my last year of college. I wanted a mom to understand and sit with me through the summer solstice. I wanted a mom who was emotionally stable enough to handle the worries of my heart. So then i grieved. I cried some more because i wanted that more than i wanted school, i wanted a mom more than i wanted to be able to pay rent. I felt like God neglected me. I felt like He wasn't there. I felt like He was going back on His promise to always take care of me and never forsake me. I felt like He was ignoring my cries for help. I was tired and i wanted rest. I felt like He wasn't providing for me, it's not like i'm asking for a new car or a fancy house, i was asking for enough provision to pay rent and put food on the table and maybe just maybe go to school. I was asking for what is essential for survival. So then i was mad at Him. I was mad at Him for everything. Everything that went wrong in my life i was angry with Him. I was angry that i got jipped out of the essentials like a mom and a dad. I told Him all of this. I told the God who created me how angry i was that He was failing me. Then i cried some more. 

Then the starbucks people forgot to put whipped cream on my frappuccino and i cried again. (it was a rough day). 

So now you know who much of a baby i am and how i cry like ALL the time. 

When i got home, a friend who is way too good to me came over and we rode our bikes to the park. Then she pushed me on the swings. I told her about my day and my conversation with God and how i just want a mom. She listened and she just kept pushing me on the swing as little baby tears rolled down my face. And in the midst of my swinging, i finally understood just how dependent i am on God. 

So i 'm waiting.

God hasn't forgotten about me. He's big enough to take my frustrations and He can handle it when i yell about how pissed i am that it feels like He isn't doing anything. He listens to me when i tell Him that i am doubting His ability to provide for me and that it feels like He lied when He promised to never leave me nor forsake me. He lets me get it all out and when the heavy breathing has subsided He whispers to my soul "I'm right here. I haven't forgotten about you. Depend on me. Trust me. Just wait. I have always provided for you, I always will provide for you, and I am providing for you even now... just wait." So i am waiting. 

I am waiting. I am trusting that God provides for His children. I am depending on Him. I had to be reminded that I am not self-sufficient. I had to be reminded that i am still a creature, created by my creator. I had to be reminded that my creator is good and has plans to prosper me and that ultimately my purpose on earth is not to be independent and live this really comfortable life never having to depend on God but that my ultimate purpose is to bring my Holy, Righteous, Almighty Lord and King glory. My purpose isn't to go to school exactly in 4 years or to be so financially self sufficient that i don't need anybody, not even God. My purpose is to love God and in doing so, love others, even myself. 

I apologized to God for getting pissed at him and doubting his abilities. But i think He likes that i was honest. I think He would rather have us be pissed and be honest about our pissed-ness then to fake our way through it. It's good to know that He still loves  me even when i'm pissed. It's good to know that His grace is sufficient for us and that His power is made perfect in our weaknesses. That's the beauty of the cross. His grace extends to me even when i'm pissed and i'm experiencing my summer solstice. 

So that was a long story, but i'm not a writer, i just let you in on my experiences and my processes and how God is shaping me and molding me and taking care of me and changing my view of Him to be more of what the bible says and less of what society says. I know He is good. I know He will come through, He always does. I think he likes the whole last minute thing, so i'll let you know in a month when my finances come through and i'm enrolled as a student again at Biola. Until then, i will wait. And during this time of waiting i will find joy in the Lord and bask in His grace. I still want a mom, and God is aware of that. He knows me better than i know myself, He knows that my heart longs for that. So i will wait for that too. I will be patient and know that He will provide even that for me.

So here's to waiting. Here's to the summer solstice. The one day over the year that is so long and brutal and hot and tiring that it makes you weary and it seems hopeless. Here's to remembering Gods faithfulness. God didn't forget about Israel, He surely won't forget about us. And here's to the cross, the ultimate reminder that Gods love for us is greater than we can even fathom. 

We all go through periods of waiting, sometimes it seems like they are never ending and that a resolution will never arrive. Maybe you're waiting right now. Maybe you are experiencing your summer solstice. I pray you remember that God hasn't forgotten about you, that He will provide for you. Just trust Him. He's good, i promise you He is good. But don't take my word for it :) read about it!!!!!!!! ---> The gospel according to John.

-amy

chapel make ups rock my world

Since Bradli has a REALLY difficult ever posting anything this has become the Amy Beck show (my apologies). I am really trying to get her to post something even if its crap (which it wouldn't be because anything she writes is wonderful) just something... so it doesn't look like i hog the show.


Anyways, i'm sitting here listening to the 19 chapel make ups i have to do because this semester wasn't really that crazy (meh that's debatable) i just wasn't the most motivated chapel attendee this semester. that's ok right? i'm allowed to be a little lazy right?


Mr. John Lynch spoke at a chapel and his session title is When you get tired enough and it's all about grace. Conveniently (or just by Gods perfect timing) it was EXACTLY what i needed to hear. 


Interestingly, i consider myself to be fairly competent in the understanding of grace. I feel fairly confident in my ability to articulate what grace is and explain it to anyone. 

wrong.

Apparently not because i suddenly realized the other day that in my striving for obedience i was actually trying to earn Gods love. I was trying to work hard enough to be the best ideal candidate and recipient of Gods love. I found myself actually saying "see, look at what i just did God. Isn't that so good of me? Do you love me more now? Am i good enough yet? Am i trying hard enough?"

Barf. Barf. Barf. Vomit. Diarrhea. Poop. Dirty dirty poop. Those are just a few of the words that come to my mind when reading my ACTUAL thoughts and conversations with my gracious, loving God on this little computer screen. 

It's so exhausting. It's so exhausting to constantly trying to "be good enough" for God's love. It's so exhausting to try and try and try only to feel like i'm coming up so extremely short every single time. 

If i feel like i'm constantly trying to hold onto Jesus then something is wrong. Because grace isn't me trying to hold onto Jesus. It's Jesus holding onto me. It's Jesus holding onto me. (i put that twice just in case you didn't get quite get it).

Am i tired enough? 

 yes. yes i am.

1 John 4:19 "We love because He first loved us"  

Has it sunk in yet? mmmm almost. 

 It's not me holding onto God but God holding onto me. I love God because he loved me first. God doesn't love me because i am good enough or because i loved him first. false. wrong. big fat no. that's a silly joke. No way. I love God because He first loved me. 

He first loved us.

How about now? Has it sunk in now? mmmm so close.

He first loved us.

God first loved us. He first loved me. And He first loved you. Before we loved Him. Before we knew him. Before we gave money to the poor and taught little kids how to read. Before we were justice seekers. Before we took in those who needed a home. Before we fed those who were hungry. Before we got straight A's in our really great conservative Bible school. Before we decided that we were going to spend our lives serving Him. Before we said "aye aye Captain, I will follow you. Thank you for taking the burdens of my sins on your shoulders. I will follow you." Before we were socially decent people. He loved us before all that. He loved us when we were awful. He loved us when sin was our master. He loved us when we were caught up in drugs and alcohol. He loved us when we lived for the next fix and the next party. He loved us when we hurt other people sometimes on accident and sometimes on purpose. He loved us when we drove home drunk. He loved us when we committed those crimes. He loved us when we hurt his children, his babies. He loved us when we hated him. He loved us when we wanted nothing to do with him. He loved us when we were unlovable. 

He first loved us.

How about now? Has it finally sunk in? I think so. I think it has finally sunk in. Grace isn't me first loving God so therefore i am good enough. It is God first loving me. Even before i was lovable. It is God holding me so tight that i can't run away. It is God offering me forgiveness when i will never deserve it because he loved me first. 

Ok. I'm tired enough. I'm tired enough God. 

I imagine His response is something like this:

"oh baby girl, I know. I know you are tired enough. Now just let me love you." 

It's like being loved into loving. I love because He first loved me. I love Him because He first loved me. I love others because He first loved me. 

He first loved us.

-amy

Fig leaves and bushes

Oh hey all 6 of you who actually read this (that's 2 more than last time!) we appreciate your dedication even when it's been a few weeks since we have blogged :) sometimes school takes precedence... 

Do you ever get in those spiritual dry spells where you're really physically tired and you don't have the energy to cook dinner let alone spend time in the Word? And then when you actually have some energy, you sit down, open up your Bible to where you left off from the last time you read it and decide you should probably pray or something first because isn't there supposed to be some sort of formula to how to do this? So you close your eyes, and then.... nothing... yep... you're still sitting there and now you're just sitting there with your eyes closed. And then you do the whole guilt thing because you think you're supposed to be feeling something profound or saying something profound to the Lord but all that comes out is "Dear God, I am writing this letter because Hi. So..... Ya.... " 

... Ok you caught me. I'm really talking about myself. I know i know i know i know. You're probably thinking Really?!?! That's the reason why you sat down to write something on here time after time only to shut your computer because you felt like you had nothing good or "spiritually impacting" to offer? Girl you crazy. Girl the back of yo head is ridiculous. 

Yea... there it is. Kind of silly and pathetic but we're honest right?

Don't worry, i didn't fall off the deep end :) I did learn something though, which is why i am even writing this dumb thing.

I learned about shame. Weird right? Exactly what i thought when i was learning it!

It wasn't so much not knowing HOW to come before God but WHY I wasn't coming to Him... The reason is straight outta Genesis...

I was hiding. Because i didn't want God to see all of me.

 God is omnipresent so it's not like He's not here with me in every moment of my life.  It’s not like God doesn’t know me. He does. He knows me better than I know myself, so it’s strange that I would want to hide aspects of my life from Him when He sees it all. He sees all the brokenness and sin and hurt. I think it’s shame that does that. I think that’s the feeling I have and the reason why I don’t want to be exposed before my God and King. But He created me. He knows me. And He loves me still. Weird. It’s weird that such a good and mighty and awesome God would love such a feeble, weak, and broken person like myself. It’s weird, but it’s so good and I am so thankful for His love. His unconditional love that breaks down my walls of shame and says to the inner most core of my soul,

“I know you and I love you.” 

 I am known and I am loved despite being fully known, even in my junk and luggage that I drag around so exhaustingly everywhere I go but try so desperately to hide. God sees all of it, he sees all of my baggage and he loves me anyways.

So you see, I actually can't hide from Him. I can't pull any of those tricks Adam and Eve pulled in the garden with the fig leaves and the hiding behind bushes... i try that. I really do. And He just tells me to come out. To come and be with him. He already knows what it's like... what I'm like.

He knows us and He loves us.   <-- see how big that period is. that's for the special umph.

-amy